Sammy's Journal
by bornpuppetdiedcrying
Summary: Sam Winchester was a man who held many emotions trapped inside and constantly needed to vent. He couldn't turn to his brother in fear of getting laughed at so he did the next best thing, write. Sure he wasn't an A-grade author but his journal helped keep his sanity when all he wanted to do was snap. His journal held his thoughts, emotions, and in a way chunk of himself.


Dear Journal, (1993)  
Hi it's me Sam. Dean left me at the stupid kids place again so he could go on a date with a girl from school. It's ridiculous, I'm ten years old, I shouldn't be here- though I guess it's better being here than with Dad… I only wish that Dean would leave me at the library so I didn't have to sit here in this loud place with screaming children. If I was at the library I could at least do homework or read some of the hundreds of books the library would have. Unfortunately I'm stuck questioning if the people here are possessed from all their screaming that is currently killing my poor ears. I've been trapped in this place for a little over two hours and the sickening smell of greasy pizza and French fries have killed my appetite. Dean would want me to eat the food here, but I can't. I can never understand how Dean can put all that trash in his mouth and think he'll be good the next day. Right now all I want to do is go back to the motel but the staff won't let me leave alone. I'm tired of this, being treated like a useless child. I know I'm just a kid and I'll away be the baby of the family, but I know that I can help Dad and Dean even though I want nothing to do with the family business. If I can keep my family together by doing what I don't want then I'll sacrifice my happiness for them.

Dear journal, (1993)  
A couple months have passed and I'm staying at Bobby's house in Sioux Falls. Dad and Dean are on a case out in Indio, California and they didn't want to risk me getting hurt again after the last hunt. My left arm still aches from when the shapeshifter we were hunting brutally ripped it open. Yes I got attacked by a shapeshifter and it was my fault for not realizing what is was before it pulled out the knife. Even though I was the reason for getting hurt Dad still yelled at Dean for not protecting me. It wasn't Dean's fault, he wasn't with me when it happened but I think that was why Dad was so furious. I wonder if Dad would be mad if I told him… He'd probably be more furious than he was with Dean. I don't want to upset them but I need to think of all situations and options I'll have before I even think of seriously telling them.

Dear journal, (1996)  
It's me Sam again, it has been a couple years since I've last written. I'm away from Bobby's and it turns out that I had to stay there for a couple months instead of the usual couple of weeks. Dean, dad and I are still on the road and I haven't told them yet. Dad's been getting angrier as time passes and he's starting to lose his patience, not that he had much to begin with but still. Right now I'm in the backseat of the Impala and I want to go back. The last school Dean and I stayed at I actually made a friend, and while Dean was trying to bang all the girls in the school I got to **protect** my friend and stand up to a Bully! It's not a huge achievement compared to what I do with Dad on hunts which thankfully isn't often, but this school gave me something important. The courage to stand up to a bully, to stand up for myself against someone who has power over me; so I've decided, I'm going to tell them. I just need to wait for the perfect time to do it.

Dear journal, (1999)  
I'm sixteen now and I ran away… I'm pretty sure Dad and Dean just think of it as a teenage thing but they'll search for me anyways. Right at this moment I'm in a small cabin with my new dog, Bones. Last year I was left alone on a Kitsune hunt and I met a girl around my age there. Amy Pond, she was a Kitsune and her mother was responsible for the murders that were happening in the area. It's hard to believe this all happened. I still can't believe I ran. It's just Bones and me, that is until Dad finds me and gives me hell. I'm just so confused; after Amy killed her own mother for me, and I let her live against my hunter instincts I began to wonder- are all supernatural creatures truly evil? Sure many of them are and they'll kill without remorse, but there are special cases like Amy, where they try to be as pure as they can be. They don't kill innocent people; they only do what is necessary to survive. In the back of my mind I wonder how many monsters I've killed that may have been trying to do better. I just can't help but think about all the harm my family has done. It seems everywhere we go the casualty list just increases exponentially.

Dear Journal, (2002)  
It's time. I can't take it anymore, I can't ignore this any longer I don't care that Dad is going to try and slit my throat. I'm an independent nineteen year old and I want to go to college. I received a scholarship to Stanford and I'm going to become a lawyer. I'm tired of the life, the family business. It's no longer my way of life; I'll find someone and maybe for once be happy.

Dear journal, (2005)  
Why? I was finally away from the life. I did what Dad said and I stayed away, I didn't try to come back. I'm twenty-two and I had the woman I thought I'd marry and grow old with. So why was I still needed? I told them I was done, I was finished hunting, I never wanted the life to begin with so why? Why did Jess have to burn? Why am I constantly losing all the people I love and care for? It's not fair! Was it ever fair at all? Would my life ever be happy? I keep asking these questions and they'll probably never get answered.  
Not being a hunter was my biggest wish, I kept it to myself for years in fear of Dean and Dad. So when I finally get out for three beautiful years where I got be do as I pleased, I got dragged back in while digging my heels in metaphorical pavement. Still to this day I can't find a way out. There is no more Stanford, no more Jess, just the nightmares and deaths. Did God think my life was fun to mess with? Nothing goes my way, and everything is blamed on me.  
I can no longer do as I want; I'm trapped in a never ending cycle of despair and disappointment. 'Would I ever be free' I ask  
No, I'm stuck  
I'm trapped in a hell like cage  
I'm done  
**I'm Dead**


End file.
